Doubts and Certainty

It's been a long, long while hasn't it? Truth be told, I've been quite overwhelmed and distracted and every time I thought about blogging I just didn't have the energy. The plants are in the ground! They are small, and though they are growing slowly, I find myself being impatient with them. I'm astounded at how much I don't know. I really have no idea what I'm doing. I read about gardening, I weed, I water sometimes. But I have many questions and I second-guess myself...especially when I see that my neighbor's spinach is all ready for picking while mine is just getting started, or that my tomato plants still look quite small compared to a friend's. And so I begin to wonder: Am I an inadequate gardener?

I guess, by just a simple stretch of the imagination that the same thing happens with parenting. Sometimes it's hard to accept my way of parenting without second-guessing myself or my children. It can be difficult not to compare their skills and personalities to other kids. Especially if the other kids are doing more, saying more, exploring more, even growing more. In our society we are driven to be independent, be the best, be all that you can be, be more than, and keep up with the Jones's. How can we relax? All of this leads us to ask, "Am I an inadequate parent?"

But I keep myself in check with this...grace. I remind myself that it is better to give more happiness and encouragement to that other parent and their kids instead of jumping on the comparison train. I sincerely feel good for them, and proud of them for what they're able to do, while still being proud of my kids even if they are not able to do what the other kid can do.

I'll admit that in the past, as a new mom, this was not easy for me. I honestly feel that I've evolved into a different mom, a more accepting mom and friend. I've realized that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter how they measure up compared to somebody else. What is important is that I treat my children lovingly and respectfully so that they learn to do the same to each other and to others. Are we always successful at being nice and sharing and taking turns and not yelling and asking please and saying thank you? No, of course not. But the foundation for them to be good men is there. I can see it. I can feel it. Though it fills my heart with joy at the same time that it is bittersweet to watch them grow older, I look forward to who they will become.

So perhaps I should take a parenting lesson into gardening this time. I guess I should take a chill pill and stop comparing my garden to other gardens. My little plants are just fine. Sure, they're not as tall as the neighbor's, and they may not be flowering yet; but I enjoy them anyway. I may not have done things perfectly but I've cared for them and I am excited about the process and I look forward to what they will become.

Update: 6/21/09: Here are some pictures of some of the garden. You may wonder what's that orange stuff on Manny's face? It's pollen from the first lily to bloom. He tried to smell it, and wow, I didn't realize pollen actually stains! He looked like he had warrior paint on his face. We've had some big storms the last couple of days and the garden has grown since these pictures! The carrots are coming up, the corn is up to my knees and the broccoli up to my thighs. Spinach and Lettuce are ready for picking and the snow peas have flowered. The tomatoes and peppers took a big jump in growth. It's all very exciting!

An Exercise in Patience

My favorite definition of patience is "to wait with kindness." Patience is a trait that I have been consciously working on for many years now. I was not born a laid-back being. I'm a little bit high-strung, quick to be nervous, and quick to feel overwhelmed. The positive spin to my personality is that I'm a go-getter, I am very thorough, and headstrong. But the phrases, "Let it be," "Whatever," and "Que sera, sera" do not come naturally to me! And now we are experiencing the schizophrenic weather of spring in Wisconsin. What a tease! Some days are warm, some are cold, some are sunny, some have snow...sheesh. It's enough to send a gardener into a padded room with a cozy jacket (Hey, where are my arms?) And so for the first time, in order to get my hands a little dirty I have decided to foray into starting my plants from seed. Excitedly I bought the seeds. On a warmer, sunny day a couple of weeks back I broke out the stuff and planted a few of them. Here's what I've planted so far:

• Sungold Cherry Tomato
• Sweet 100 Cherry Tomato
• Parlsey
• Crimson Red Pepper
• Orange Bell Pepper
• Yellow Bell Pepper
• Calendula Flower
• Habanero Pepper

And so far...it's been EXCRUTIATING!! I checked every day for something, anything. Then last week the first tomato plants emerged, and yesterday the parsley popped a little green sprout. But no sign from the other seeds. And so I'm back to waiting. I'm back to practicing patience. How wonderful then, to look at my kids and see how far I've really come in regards to practicing patience. They test me every day. From the milk that spills on my newly-mopped floor, the butt that needs a new diaper right before we're headed out the door, the whining that occurs when they just don't realize how tired they are, the thousandth time that I've watched The Land Before Time, to the millionth time that I've heard, "Mom do you want to hear a story?" and the 30 minute-intensely-detailed masterpiece that follows and requires my whole attention. Oh how they test me! Sometimes I just want Manny to rush through that story, I want Adrian to just hold out for 2 more minutes before I can cuddle him, I want to not trip over the same toy over and over again that seems to be purposefully placed before me no matter how many times I put it away. I want 5 minutes to go by where I can get lost in my thoughts and not be interrupted with "MAMA!!!!" All of these events try my patience. But lo and behold the reward. The patience that I practice with them translates to two caring boys. Most days when Adrian cries, Manny will come over and sweetly say, "Hey little guy. You're alright." while he gently strokes Adrian's face and gives him a hug. This evening at dinner Manny threw a tantrum because we didn't pour his water first. (He was very tired) What do I see? Adrian patiently walks over to Manny and rubs his arm and then hugs him! The little brother comforting his older brother that is hurting, just as Manny always comforts him. Such joy lives in my heart! Speaking of the boys, since I don't have any real interesting pictures to post yet of my little plants, I thought I'd post some recent videos of my boys for your enjoyment! But back to gardening. These spring days are hard when you look out the window and see snow. And it's frustrating to hear the weatherman predict cooler weather. And it's difficult to stare at empty pots day after day. But I have faith that these little seeds that I've planted will soon grow tall and bountiful and bring me such delight...if I'm patient.